Fun & Frivolity: Smashing Squirrels And Cool Cars

To end the week on a fun note, here is an article that I found rather amusing:

Scientists from the Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute (EARI) announced that the first test of the Giant Animal Smasher (GAS) will begin on December 19, 2008, the 41st anniversary of the premiere of Dr. Dolittle.

Dr. Thomas Malwin, head of the research project, said, “The first test runs will only accelerate microscopic life-forms like bacteria and viruses to high speeds, but theoretically the GAS can handle animals as large as squirrels, hence the squirrel smasher moniker.”

Biologists from around the globe hope the GAS will unlock the secrets of the so-called “Darwin particle” that could unlock the secrets to life.

“If we discover the Darwin particle we could possibly create new life-forms, or accelerate evolution to unimaginable levels,” said Malwin.

The GAS is a 25 mile tube buried ten feet below the surface, and accelerates the animals up to a speed of 6,000 meters per second using a series of pulleys, levers and fusion reactors.

Malwin dismissed critics who claimed that smashing animals together at high speeds was cruel to the animals. He said, “The animals won’t be feeling anything. The collision will vaporize the squirrels in a fraction of a second. Their brains won’t be able to transmit pain at those speeds, so it’ll be painless for them.”

Scientists currently rely on computer simulations to smash biological units, but simulations can only do so much, and without the visceral enjoyment of seeing two squirrels collide at thousands of miles an hour.

Malwin said there will be controls in place to prevent new undesirable species from forming. “Only species of the same type will be smashed together, so you don’t have to worry about the flying rat, or poisonous Chihuahua nightmare scenarios.”

One scientist at CERN, home of the Large Hadron Collider, said, “Biologists are just jealous of all the attention the LHC has been getting. Since they aren’t real scientists, they had to come up with this atrocity. Next thing you know the psychologists will build a brain smasher to compete.”

[Hint: this is a spoof of the recent hadron collider that was put into operation in Europe.]

Okay, so if that was a bit obscure, this should be a sure winner. The Transformers movie that came out last year debuted the new Chevy Camaro; it looks like Transformers 2 will have a similar debut:

There’s been much speculation of late on the gleaming silver “Corvette-like” concept car spotted on the set of the new Transformers movie. Some outlets have incorrectly asserted the concept is a potential design for a next-generation C7 Corvette. They’re wrong. Oh, it’s a Corvette, but our well-placed sources tell us the concept, which we’ve revealed in an exclusive shot of the clay concept above, is GM’s Corvette Centennial Design Concept. We expect to see it revealed early next year, months before it debuts on the silver screen in Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.

galleryPost(‘GMCentennialDesignConcept’, 6, ‘GM Has A Conceptual Hot Rod’);

GM’s Corvette Centennial Design Concept coincides, as you’d expect, with GM’s 100-year birthday party. The concept’s meant to be a means of merging design elements of the past with the next century of GM design. As such, the concept car is expected to hearken back to a number of key design elements from GM power cars but not, as some have speculated, be a first-look at the design of a new C7 Corvette.

Get an eyeful of this piece of candy:

I know what’s going to headline my Christmas list this year…!

Have a great weekend!


I'm a gun-owning, Bible-thumping, bitter clinger conservative in the heartland. You can disagree with me if you want (you do, after all, have a right to be wrong)...just don't be rude or stupid and we'll get along just fine! :)

Posted in Fun and Frivolity

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